Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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