Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
