ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
