Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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