My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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