You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
