Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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