I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
