just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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