had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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