Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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