Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
