My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
why is half of my head shaved?
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