I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You are the jesus of drinking
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
