mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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