I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
