You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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