I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
