We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
