I'm eating all of the evidence.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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