I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
