I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
