Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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