no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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