I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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