Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
