Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
