I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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