So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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