I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
