I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
