he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
