I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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