All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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