My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
