allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
