Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
