You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
