Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
