Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
