Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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