she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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