went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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