Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
