She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
