i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
