she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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