Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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