oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
