This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
