She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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