the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
