i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
