I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
