just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
