And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
