i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
