it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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