I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
