Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
