I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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